My Daily Routine
A parody of the alleged daily routines of various "biohackers" and other self-obsessives.
Recently on Bluesky someone posted a few photos of an article from The Times magazine of the alleged daily routines of these nutty women who apparently not only plan their days to the minute but also have very elaborate and complicated beauty and health rituals:
It got me thinking about my own daily routine, and so I decided to lay mine out as a part parody, part contrast of how a normal person who isn’t a woo woo health guru or “biohacker” goes about their day. Here goes:
Mood meds are non-negotiable
Amber Marshall, 42, is a lunchlady at [REDACTED] High School and writer of such novels as THE TRIDENT OF MERROW and NEGATIVES. She lives with her husband and son in New Hampshire (@amarshallwriting.bsky.social).
4:30 AM: Most days I wake naturally when my bladder signals my brain that it’s time to release my body’s toxins. After a cleansing sit on the toilet, I return to bed until…
5:45 AM: I prefer to wake to the electronic song of my phone alarm, then begin with my “morning shed,” removing the dental night guard I wear on my upper teeth. It prevents me from clenching and grinding my teeth in my sleep. I rehydrate with a swig from my reusable, insulated, stainless steel bottle filled with local spring water (purchased by the gallon at the grocery store) and my first of several supplements: an acid-reducer to balance my stomach’s acid production and prevent reflux.
5:50 AM: I cleanse my face - in a fasted state - with filtered tap water and pat dry with a 100% cotton towel. I apply white petrolatum to my lips to rehydrate them, which I like because it's so inert and free of dyes, fragrances, and organic ingredients that can degrade and cause skin reactions. If I feel like wearing makeup that day, I will fill my brows and apply a cream blush to my cheeks to regain the illusion of youth and vitality.
5:55 AM: I put on my work uniform, which includes Bombas compression socks to improve circulation and prevent the pooling of fluid in my feet since I work on my feet all day. This also helps prevent foot pain from my plantar fasciitis. I slide on house shoes: Orthofeet slippers with arch support, also for my plantar fasciitis.
6:00 AM: After dressing, I go to my son’s room and begin the waking routine: opening his shades, turning on his lamp, turning off night lights, and greeting him verbally and with hugs and kisses. Often he continues to sleep as I sit beside him on his bed and read him the weather report and what is for school lunch that day. If he is partially awake, I often will watch a brief YouTube comedy video with him to gradually guide him to wakefulness.
6:10 AM: Downstairs to switch hydration bottles for the day and start my coffee. I purchase only locally-roasted, organic, fair trade beans or flavored fair-trade beans from Florida, and hand-grind them myself to maximize both freshness and grip strength. Along with cane sugar and dairy half and half, I sometimes add polyethylene glycol powder, which softens stool and aids in bowel cleansing.
6:15 AM: Breakfast is always organic oatmeal with banana and walnuts, no other sweetener… unless I have cold cereal with 2% milk instead. Or eggs (free-range, of course, since they seem to be the cheaper option nowadays) and toast or a muffin. Or Icelandic skyr with fruit and granola. While I eat, I peruse the most recent news on my smartphone (Bluesky feed), check my email, and do my language practice - German or Spanish - on the Duolingo app.
6:20 AM: Mood meds are non-negotiable - Wellbutrin and Lexapro for mental balance. I also take a multivitamin (generic One a Day) and probiotic supplement (the most generic lactobacilli money can buy). I take these with 4 oz of factory-squeezed orange juice.
6:30 AM: Back upstairs to prod my sleeping son to wakefulness again. Once he is up and dressing, I go back downstairs to prepare his breakfast: organic oatmeal (heart-healthy fiber) made with 2% dairy milk (protein) and a banana (more fiber and complex carbs), prepared in the microwave to maximize efficiency. I place the bowl on a flexible cold pack to cool it to edible temperature before sprinkling on mini dark chocolate chips, the antioxidants of which prevent and repair cell damage.
6:45 AM: While my son watches loud, obnoxious YouTube Minecraft streamers and learns about sigma grindeset skibidi rizz, I prepare his lunch: peanut butter and blackberry jam on whole grain bread, Harvest Snap lentil crisps, and some kind of raw fruit (which he won’t eat) or vegetable (which he might eat) to signal to the school staff that I am a good parent who provides a variety of healthy food to my child, regardless of whether I think he will eat it. I also include a mini Post-It note with a doodle to lift his mid-day mood. Plus it’s fun to do and is one of the few opportunities I have in a day to practice art therapy.
6:55 AM: Time for my post-coffee toxin purge, if you know what I mean.
7:00 AM: In the time remaining before my alarm goes off for teeth brushing, I may unload the dishwasher, start a load of laundry, or continue to browse the Internet on my smartphone. I also set my intentions for the day: trying to fit eight hours of ambitions into the two hours I will have between coming home from work and my child coming home from school.
7:20 AM: Another alarm on my phone signals it is time to manually pause my child’s tablet to silence the YouTube streamers and lead him upstairs to brush our teeth. My morning oral health routine is briefer than my evening one: brushing the teeth and tongue with a manual toothbrush and reapplying white petrolatum to my lips afterward.
7:35 AM: After changing into non-slip kitchen clogs and getting on outerwear, we get in my car and drive to the bus stop. This is the perfect time to talk to my son about what he is looking forward to today, remind him of scheduled events, and watch him play with the contents of my glove compartment.
7:50 AM: When the bus pulls away, it is time to drive to work. I like to listen to invigorating music on my morning commute to really bring my energy up and boost my mood, which usually means a lot of really angry heavy metal.
8:05 AM - 1:45 PM: Work, which is where I get most of my steps, squats, and lifting in. At about 10 AM I take a brief break to rest my feet and consume a nutritionally-balanced snack of an apple and a tablespoon of sunflower seed butter. I also may supplement this with a muffin, breakfast sandwich, or random bits of popcorn chicken and tater tots. During the work day I drink only chilled, locally-sourced spring water as mentioned previously. The coffee at work is nasty.
1:50 PM: I drive home, listening to the aforementioned angry heavy metal music to give myself an afternoon energy boost and release tension.
2:05 PM: Lunch is whatever leftovers in my fridge that needs to be eaten first, in order of oldest to most recent, unless what is most recent is really appealing to me. This may be half of a takeout sandwich, roasted veggies and a piece of week-old fish on rice, or just meatballs and sauce with no pasta (not to avoid carbs but because I didn't cook enough pasta). While I eat lunch I read Bluesky and check my email again.
2:30 PM: Time for my Pilates routine. I follow a YouTuber who is a physical therapist and does Pilates so gentle that your 90 year old grandmother probably could do it, even after that stroke she had last year. This is essential to avoid disrupting my digestion, since I ate too much and forgot I was going to exercise after. These stretches help to ease muscle tension and pain and regain flexibility after hauling around boxes of frozen pizza dough and lifting hotel pans full of cooked pasta at work all day.
2:50 PM: Before beginning my body cleansing routine, I chew a cannabis gummy containing 10 mg CBD and 5 mg hybrid THC to reduce stress, depression, and anxiety. By the time my kid gets off the bus, my “mother’s little helper” will put me in a state of zen and mild euphoria that will enable me to face the evening’s tasks and frustrations with patience and kindness.
2:55 PM: Time for skincare and haircare. I shower in warm, filtered well water, lathering my hair with a pyrithione zinc medicated dandruff shampoo and massaging my scalp gently with a silicone shampoo brush before rinsing. I apply a conditioner containing tea tree oil and activated charcoal to smooth and soften my hair and in utter desperation to stop my scalp from getting itchy and scabby. While that sits, I use a 100% cotton washcloth and a generic knockoff of Dove moisturizing body wash to cleanse and gently exfoliate my skin. Depending on the day, I may shave my armpits and/or legs with a five-blade safety razor and store-brand shaving gel.
3:15 PM: After I step out of the shower and dry off with a 100% cotton towel, I wrap my hair in the towel to further reduce dampness while I apply aluminum-containing, fragrance-free, solid antiperspirant to my underarms, and dry and clean my ears with cotton swabs. I remove the towel and brush out my damp hair with a plastic-bristled brush.
3:20 PM: Time for skincare. I apply benzoyl peroxide serum to any acne spots, shave my upper lip with a dermaplaning razor if needed, and apply a hyaluronic acid-containing water gel to my entire face and neck. This attracts atmospheric moisture to the skin, plumping it and maintaining skin moisture. I also reapply white petrolatum to my lips.
3:30 PM: The half hour before I have to go retrieve my kid off the bus is “me time” but more often “chore time.” I may put away dishes, straighten things up, run laundry, do any necessary cleaning of the house, or if I’m lucky sit and read either my phone or a book while the gummy from an hour before kicks in.
4:00 PM: I walk or drive to the bus stop, depending on weather and temperature, and check my mail. While waiting for the bus to arrive, I either look through the mail, read an ebook on my phone, or do a crossword in my crossword app.
4:10 PM: My kid gets off the bus and we go back to the house. He will either play outdoors with the neighbor kid or ask if I can log him onto the computer to play Minecraft while he calls his friends on the phone or his tablet. If no friends are available, he will often request to watch more YouTubers yelling about Creepers or Diamonds or the Void. I will also prepare his afternoon snack of organic microwaved (in a bowl made for that purpose, not a bag) popcorn with melted salted dairy butter and white cheddar cheese powder, and Swiss Miss cocoa with half hot water, half cold 2% milk, and mini marshmallows.
4:30 PM: Another half hour of “me time” to hopefully read before I have to start prepping dinner. At this time I may make myself a cup of tea: either black, oolong, or green, with sugar and 2% dairy milk. I use teabags even though they contain microplastics because everything does. The local spring water I use to brew it comes to me in a plastic jug, FFS.
5:00 PM: I begin dinner prep, unless I’m dealing with laundry or feeling really good and don’t want to get up off the couch, in which case this might happen at 5:30 or even at 6 PM. Sometimes I put a podcast on my headphones to help aid my focus.
Anywhere from 6:00 PM to 7:00 PM: We sit together to eat dinner, which may be fried pork chops with pierogi and roasted brussels sprouts; meatballs with tomato sauce, spaghetti, and a side salad; or takeout, among other things. This is a time to talk about our days in between chewing and admonishing our son for leaving the table without asking to dance around the kitchen, jump on the couch, or go back to Minecraft. After dinner is dessert (also non-negotiable), usually something full of added sugars, and dishes while listening to podcasts or music.
7:30 PM: An alarm on my phone signals it is time for my son to shower and begin the bedtime ritual. After my dishes, I go upstairs to change into pajamas and do my oral hygiene routine: brushing my teeth with an electric toothbrush, flossing with a floss pick, and rinsing with non-alcohol mouthwash to freshen breath and prevent getting these huge, gnarly tonsil stones.
8:00 PM: After cajoling my child out of the shower, urging him to dry off, nagging him to hang up his towel and put his clothes in the hamper, reminding him to put underwear on, and barking at him to stop screwing around and brush his teeth, it is…
8:30 PM: Time to settle into bed with my son and read to him for 15-30 minutes. This may take place in his bed if I’m annoyed, or my bed if he asks nicely and I’m still blissed out on the gummy I took earlier.
9:00 PM: Lights out and snuggle time until my son falls asleep, or I fall asleep and wake half an hour later remembering I was supposed to try and stay awake.
9:30 PM: I go back downstairs to spend time with my husband, either watching YouTube, playing a video game together (both activities with a lot of sleep-disrupting blue light), reading or crocheting.
10:30 PM: I kiss my husband goodnight and go upstairs to visit the toilet one more time, put my night guard back on, and begin my bedtime ritual of climbing into bed and shutting my eyes. No serums, white noise, essential oils, weighted blanket, yoga stretches, Faraday cages, masks, mouth tape, or copper-threaded bedsheets to thwart my neighbor’s wi-fi signals and calm my nervous system. I’m usually asleep within the half hour.
AMBER MARSHALL’S $87.49 DAILY ESSENTIALS
Bones Coffee, 12 oz whole or ground $17.99 (bonescoffee.com)
Countless flavors including seasonal and limited-edition media tie-in flavors mean you’ll never get bored of your morning brew. Subscribers save $ per bag.
Neutrogena Hydro Boost Water Gel moisturizer $14.50 (walmart.com)
The hyaluronic acid in this gel moisturizer makes for long-lasting hydration and plump, youthful skin. Equate has a version which is cheaper and honestly just as good.
Beboe Remedy Gummies in Golden Peach $35 (Beboe.com)
With 10 mg CBD and 5 MG hybrid THC per serving, this “mother’s little helper” gives you a mild mood boost and zen mindset that can help you keep from sweating the small stuff (and it’s all small stuff, isn’t it?) without impeding your effectiveness as a mother and part-time housewife.
Bombas Women’s Targeted Compression Calf Socks $20 (bombas.com)
If you are on your feet most of the day but don’t need heavy-duty compression and hate knee-socks, these calf-height socks will provide some relief for 5 hour shifts in the school kitchen.